December 5, 2006 at 4:51 pm | Posted in satire, silly nonsense | 3 Comments


Name: Hegemon
Type: Ground
Attacks: Thrash; NAFTAckle; Scary Face; Incorporate
Notes: Found in 3 different varieties, Western, British, and American. The British variety has been driven to extinction by over-hunting in North America and South Asia. Only surviving species thrives in the swamps near the Potomac River. Not to be confused with the rock pokemon Gemnie. Evolves to Intervene-o-saur.

Name: Intervene-o-saur
Type: Ground
Attacks: Sand slash; Desert Storm; PR Slam; Harden
Notes: First sighted in Panama; indigenous to Balkan Peninsula — attempted migration to Sudan but got lost in Persian Gulf. Evolves from Hegemon.


News is boring

December 1, 2006 at 11:06 am | Posted in humor, news, opinion, rambling, satire, silly nonsense | Leave a comment

But I read it rabidly. Just this morning, for example, I’ve already perused (read: skimmed) yet another update on the Litvinenko investigation, even though we all already know the point — Putin is a schmuck; listened to a stultifying synopsis of elementary schoolers and their hair hygiene (iccckkk); and heard a reiteration of the how bad AIDS really is. Did you know it’s bad for developing countries? Yes, it is.

Rambling analytical essays are boring too. In fact, I wouldn’t read either of my last two posts if I weren’t me. Unless if I were assigned them in class, in which case I would read them dutifully and then proclaim them my favorite essays ever written.

Most of the time, though, I’m just trolling for sound-bites that I agree with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shallow or anything, nor am I a specimen of the techno-automatization of human thought at the hands of mass media. (Although in fact I am both — but I digress.) I, like any other un-self-conscious member of the developed world, simply wish to be affirmed. Especially because I am right. Right to be left, that is.

This is why I like the NYTimes but don’t watch Fox news, or why I started to shop at American Apparel only after Dov Charney explained how liberal he was.

Just kidding — I’m not a liberal, and in fact I don’t even like politics. To prove it, I’ll end by extending an invitation to Bill O’Reilly for tea, with me and the Russian president.

The marvelous universality of literature

November 30, 2006 at 8:33 pm | Posted in literature, satire, school | Leave a comment

Or, how I read egocentrically. No matter what I read, a quick glance shows that it is actually about me. No, it’s true. Be it an autobiographical memoir from post-colonial French Africa, or a melodrama set in early 20th century New England, I am sure that whoever wrote it is writing about me. Why wouldn’t they be? As for those themes and narratives that don’t readily apply to my life? The author’s intent, naturally, was for them to recede into the background! Never mind that the main character is a tortured, nihilist homosexual. Or that she (I’m all for breaking down gender identities) suffered the traumatic loss of a parent at an early age. It’s not important to note that my own, personal tragedies culminated in moving to Oregon — not that nice coastal part, mind you, but EASTERN Oregon — in middle school. The real core of any literary work, once we look past the superfluous adornments of setting and plot, resides in a discussion of my personal issues.

French Literature class discussions are no exception. Nostalgia hits the moment I meet the impressionable Arab boy in Le Gone du Châaba, who writes too well and studies too hard to fit in with his peers, who is Algerian and not French enough, then is French and not Algerian enough. He uses his favorite word and emotion, honte (“shame”), to portray his mother, his neighborhood (the Arab Châaba), and everything that he comes from. He overanalyzes, he wallows in the reader’s pity, and he has none of the ignorant strength and willful pride of his peers, those qualities expected of any self-respecting, socially aware minority.

Wow. Azouz Begag must have been living in Vancouver 7 years ago and telepathically took notes on all my thoughts whenever I walked to school in 4th grade. He must have also changed the main character’s country of origin from Chinese to Algerian to protect the innocent — me. Continue Reading The marvelous universality of literature…

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