On Gays, Dreams, Puns and Punishments

December 13, 2006 at 12:46 am | Posted in rambling, sarcastic, silly nonsense | Leave a comment

My roommate had a dream last night about chemical reactions. I had one about Soviet Russia in the 1940’s. In his dream, free radicals wreaked havoc all over the place. In mine, they were all imprisoned in Gulags.

Cymbal crash. Har har. Apologies. In my defense, however, the dream was real. Moreover, not only was I in Soviet Russia, I was there with a Canon Digital SLR camera that I stole from a friend in the current decade (the 00’s? the zeros?), and then transported back in time. Somehow my geeky Christmas list has transcended boundaries of consciousness and time and intersected with a dark, repressed nostalgia for the motherland. The wrong motherland, mind you — I pledge allegiance to the land of reds and rice paddies. That explains why I dream about taking crystal clear, 8-megapixel photographs but not why they should all be of Spetsnaz agents. Repressed dreams for repressive regimes, I guess.

Speaking of which, you’ll be happy to know that my friends (i.e. superiors) over at the Harvard International Review agree with me that Putin is a schmuck. Only they seem rather delighted about it. Sadly, given the shoddy nature of international jurisprudence, he’ll probably still end up living a long and prosperous life.

Turns out Polonium 210 isn’t the only thing in that sushi bar you should be worried about. The tofu is even worse. Here’s a gem courtesy of friend and fellow blogger villedesanges on the dangers of soy:

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them.

Oh, but don’t you worry:

Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it’s perfectly safe because it’s fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.

This explains everything. It’s not that there are no homosexuals in Asia, it’s because we ALL are! Finally we know why vegetarians are such a bunch of effeminite ninnies. Clearly, a big, red, juicy slab of cow is just about the only way a man can get all the essential amino acids without losing all his masculinity. Thinking about becoming a pornstar? Avoid soy.

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Want AIDS? How about dwarfism?

December 7, 2006 at 6:12 pm | Posted in nytimes, opinion, sarcastic, social | 2 Comments

All the cool people are doing it. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about bare-backing, or unprotected sex. You probably only know what I’m talking about if you’ve read this article about bug-chasers, i.e. “The men who long to be HIV+”? In case you don’t have time to read a million pages of repetitive prose (like me, Rolling Stone writers just love watching themselves type), here is a pretty good excerpt of what on everyone’s mind these days. And by everyone, I mean every sadomasochist homosexual with no regard for the intrinsic value of their own life:

Carlos is part of an intricate underground world that has sprouted, driven almost completely by the Internet, in which men who want to be infected with HIV get together with those who are willing to infect them. The men who want the virus are called “bug chasers,” and the men who freely give the virus to them are called “gift givers.” While the rest of the world fights the AIDS epidemic and most people fear HIV infection, this subculture celebrates the virus and eroticizes it. HIV-infected semen is treated like liquid gold.

Is Carlos an idiot? The Traditional Values Coalition seems to think so, and considers homosexuals like Carlos to be “actively seeking death” and “willing to kill others as part of a sickening ‘erotic’ thrill.” Here’s a legal question no one wants to answer — can deliberate HIV infection be considered murder? Suicide? Manslaughter? Probably none of the above. I’d say it’s more like delayed potential murder with mutual consent, with no real intent to kill since none of these men worry about the efficacy of anti-retroviral drugs other than that “it works.” Has anyone explained drug resistance to them? Continue Reading Want AIDS? How about dwarfism?…

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